'˜Elf and safety?

DUE to some vigorous shaking in the van by the bin men, one of the hinge pins of my black bin has gone AWOL. Now as these pins are plastic and just a push fit into the bin, so I phoned the council to see if I could get one posted to me so that I could fit it and save the council a bunch of cash. The conversation with the nice young lady (NYL) at the other end of the phone went a bit like this.

NYL. Hello, Rother council, how can I help?

Me. The hinge pin has come out of my black bin, can you send one for me to fit and save the council a bunch of money?

NYL. I would think so, sounds like a good idea to me; I’ll just have to check. Please hold the line.

Music for a short while

NYL. Hello, I’m afraid that’s not possible for ‘elf n safety’ reasons. We must send out a man to fit it.

Me. ‘Elf n safety’, you’re kidding me? I hope he will be wearing the regulation hi-viz jacket and a hard hat and safety boots. I would hate for something to fall on his head, or that he gets run over by a bus in my back garden, or he drops the plastic hinge pin on his foot.

NYL. Laughter. Please can I have your address and telephone number? They might give you a ring before coming to you.

Me. Laughter They might find us out if they don’t. Thanks for your help NYL.

As I said before, the pins are plastic and a five-year-old could fit one with absolutely no chance whatsoever of amputating a finger.

When he comes around to fit the pin, I wonder if the council’s representative will please give me an ‘elf n safety’ brief and demonstration on how to put my rubbish in the bin, as I am far more likely to damage my fingers with the lid dropping onto them than I am pushing a round peg into a round hole.

Ye Gods and little fishes, ‘Elf n safety’? I give up.

TREVOR THOMAS

De La Warr Road

Bexhill-on-Sea